You’re the parent of a five-year-old child who is still not potty trained. You get all kinds of advice. You may even be criticized. You may wonder if there is some underlying medical reason that your child can’t seem to do his or her business on the toilet. After all, your other child (or children) had been toilet trained long before now. You haven’t recently had any upheavals in the family to cause your child stress, and you haven’t had any significant change of daily routine.
You have tried absolutely everything: rewards, timers, underwear of different types, bare-bottom days, cajoling, reminding, and leaving it to him to decide on his own.
Lack of interest in toileting can cause some serious frustration for parents and other caretakers. It is wise to remain calm and not to make him or her feel ashamed. Older children who are not potty trained can make for some unique challenges including being too large for standard diapers, and making life socially difficult. They may not be allowed to attend school or other programs as a result; and you may feel isolated, not able to venture out with your child.
Happy Days Ahead:
If your child is otherwise healthy, doing well developmentally, there may be another explanation for what is called toilet training resistance. Sometimes children, especially emotionally sensitive children, or particularly focused children, can have a difficult time transitioning from one activity to the next.
Take one day to just watch your child, observe how he or she moves from one task to the next – or whether he seems interested in leaving a particular task at all.
Distract and Re-Direct:
Next, you will need to experiment with how to break his attention. Often, all that is needed is a gentle hand in his, without preamble (this is very important), to say enthusiastically, “Come with me!” By the age of 4 or 5, this kind of gentle distraction should be sufficient to allow him to switch activities, even if he is particularly focused. By not prefacing the fact that you’re going to take him to the potty, you’ve provided a pleasant and anticipatory diversion. However, some children will still require a slower transition, so try working alongside your child for several minutes first and then make the suggestion to come along with you. Walk together to the bathroom and when you get there, cheerfully instruct him in what you expect him to do.
Accidents Happen:
Remain calm. Being prepared for accidents helps you to maintain your composure and helps your child to succeed. He should know that he is responsible for his own business should he have an accident. Make sure you show him how to dispose of stool in the toilet, and have a separate bucket or diaper pail for him to put his wet or soiled clothing. Be available to draw a bath or start a shower. Have old rags readily available and show him how to clean up a mess, depositing the soiled rags into the same bucket for washing. And make sure that you have a potty ring and stool for the toilet which will allow him to reach the toilet and feel secure there. Finally, make sure he knows that he must use the toilet first thing in the morning, and avoid drinks too close to bed time.
If after two weeks your child is not toilet trained, or if after a day of observation your child appears to transition well from one activity to another, seek guidance from your family doctor to see if there may be some other explanation.
A Note from Brian and Nissa:
We have had several late bloomers in the potty-training department. But the longest struggle by far lasted until after the fifth birthday. This particular child is both sensitive and extremely focused. When he gets going on a ‘project’ – usually brick building or playing with cars and trains – it can be very difficult to get him to stop what he’s doing and take up something else, even if that something else is sitting down to a meal.
After some careful observation, we noticed that he had a difficult time transitioning between just about every set of activities. Some activities certainly seemed to hold him more rapt than others. We noticed that gentle, physical distraction and re-direction worked wonders. We were on our way to a potty trained and happier boy in days.
Seeing his younger brother rewarded for his training efforts didn’t hurt either. As an added incentive, we told him that he could have a treat after an entire day without an accident. Try keeping a little chart with gold stars for successful trips to the toilet, and red dots for accidents. This can help create a visual reinforcement for both you and your child.
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